Ade (agentfroot) wrote,
Ade
agentfroot

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So I decided to name the toilet at the new place Voldemort, because it is evil and out to get me. It worked fine for the first week or two, and I replaced the sinister, hissing scary toilet seat with a new, clean, non-hissing one. All was well, or so I thought. Then it got clogged somehow. It flushes, but the bowl fills up and takes forever to drain. So I plunged like there was no tomorrow, dumped enough chemicals to wipe out Pittsburgh down it, and it still insists on being clogged. Hmmm. It also seems to be a little leaky around the base, where that water pipe thingy is. My landlord is supposed to call me back, he was going to get a workman to fix it and open up this nailed-up room in the basement where the mythical lawnmower resides. All I know is that Voldie better get himself in working order by Saturday afternoon, because nothing is crankier than a party of people who have to pee but can't since the toilet is full.

Due to Ben's suggestion, I'm going to go around naming all my household appliances (it started with Sirius the microwave, and now I'm apparently progressing with a Harry Potter theme for everything). ...Wait, I just realized something. What if Moaning Myrtle is behind all this? Now I know I'm putting waaaaaay too much thought into this.

Ok, now that you're all advancing towards me with tranquilizers and straightjackets, maybe I'll say something a little less insane. It occurred to me that there's a shortcut from my house to the Udipi Cafe that will take me there in 7 minutes without having to go on 22 and deal with traffic and copious stop lights. I am excited. I'm also going to bring Jiraiya (rat) and Alice (mannequin) over today, though I'm not sure where I'll put Alice at the moment as she has a tendency to scare the daylights out of pretty much everyone, or at least make them very nervous (you should try waking up to find her STARING AT YOU - very little is creepier than someone watching you sleep, even if the other person isn't real).

I haven't officially met my neighbor yet (there are two houses on the property, and we share a driveway), but apparently it's a guy who looks like he might be in his mid to late twenties, with glasses. But I think I will get along with him, because he put one of those energy-saving bulbs on his porch. I hope I won't scare him too much. I would be very amused if I was reading the Best of Craigslist one day and found myself the subject of a rant. This is how it would probably go:

Dear weird neighbor girl,

While you generally seem like a nice person who mostly keeps to herself, you scare me sometimes. It's not that you're absurdly short or that you dress like a male college student. Hey, I don't care what a person looks like or if she has gender issues. But really, somebody needs to give you a reality check.

For one thing, you have a MANNEQUIN in your FRONT WINDOW. I'm sure you have an excellent reason for keeping it there, like scaring off Jehovah's Witnesses, but please, TAKE IT AWAY! I was taking out the garbage last night and literally wet myself when I saw it staring at me from inside your house. Also, what's with blaring your weird Indian music? You are most certainly not Indian. You're a little white WASP chick, and yet you SING ALONG with your Bollywood music in the car and play the same 3 CDs at 2 am with the windows open!

Is there a reason you're growing pumpkins in the flower beds? Herbs, flowers, and heck, even tomatoes I can understand, but PUMPKINS? Also, I know you think the yard looks pretty when it's overgrown and weedy, but IT'S UP TO YOUR FREAKING HIPS! Please mow it already.

And thank you for the surplus crab rangoons (though you said you were a vegetarian, so I don't know why you make those). They were delicious.

- Your neighbor with the glasses
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