Ade (agentfroot) wrote,

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Yesterday started out really mediocre. But while I was having dinner with some friends, the fire alarm went off. After dinner, I was heading back to my room and it went off again. A few minutes later, I was in my room, getting ready for the Golem meeting, and it went off AGAIN. 3 times in 20 minutes. These fire alarms are getting ridiculous. They've gone off at least once almost every day this week and last week. I think that's my biggest issue with living in the Brooks complex - the oversensitive smoke detectors. Sheesh. Oh well, next year I'll be living in the writers house, so I won't have to deal with that.

We did nothing productive at the Golem meeting, we just sat around and talked and tossed balloons around since there was nothing to critique. I let Emily borrow my "Sorry I missed church, I was busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian" shirt, and she was all excited and couldn't wait to show it to certain uberchristians on campus. There was a CRAVE meeting last night (some Christian group) and she wore the shirt to it. Steph and I tagged along (I wanted to see people's reactions). There was a pretty big group there and we sat in back, so the shirt didn't really get much attention. This guy was talking about the lost sheep parable, and then everyone split up into groups and had to discuss things like if we deserve God's grace, what it is, etc. Steph and Emily know I'm Wiccan, but I didn't tell the others in the group, and when they were asking people's opinions, I had a rough time answering.

Guy: So do you think we deserve God's grace? (other people say no, they're such terrible sinners, etc.) Ade, what do you think?
Ade: I think we do. (surprised looks from the "we're not worthy" Christians)
Guy: And why is that?
Ade: Because... um... because we're worth something! God [I was speaking of the general divine presence, not specifically the Christian or Wiccan version] made us for a reason. And... (notices people staring at her) um... (gets really nervous) I lost my train of thought. Sorry. (sulks)
Guy: Um, yes, we are worth something to God. That's a good point.
Girl: (looking at me funny) I think we don't. God loves us, but we're sinners, and bla bla bla... (I feel like I want to disappear)

What I wanted to say was that I don't think God (however you define "God") wants us to feel so bad about ourselves and feel like we're not worthy of blessings and forgiveness and stuff. I mean, whenever I'm feeling really bad about myself, thinking I'm an immature jerk, and feeling unworthy of anything I've ever been offered, I feel like there's this presence sitting beside me, saying "You're not an immature jerk. You're a good person, and people love you. You may make mistakes, but nobody expects you to be perfect. You can't be perfect, it's pretty much impossible. But you are worthy of all the love and kindness people have shown you." But I didn't really know how to explain that to the others. I felt like such a misfit. I mean, they seemed accepting, and nobody told me I was wrong, it just felt uncomfortable being around others who all believed something completely different. I don't expect everyone (or anyone, for that matter) to agree with everything or anything I believe, and I think it's good to have a diversity of beliefs. I just felt weird being the only Wiccan among a big group of Christians. I always felt weird going to church, feeling like I didn't belong even though the people really made an effort to make me feel welcome. I'm just a natural misfit, there are very few places where I really feel comfortable. I love being at the writers house, because I actually talk to people (those of you who have met me in person know how shy I am and how quiet I can be, even around friends), and I can be myself. The people are really accepting there, and I feel accepted. Anyway, back to being around Christians. At one point I said I felt like I was in Sunday school again, and after the meeting, the guy asked me what kind of church I went to and if I went to Sunday school often. I said that my family is Episcopalian (I didn't mention that I'm Wiccan... I probably should have... I mean, most people know that, and I usually have no problem telling people) and that I always hated Sunday school (it's the whole "I don't belong here" thing - even when people were nice and tried to involve me, I still felt like an outcast) until I befriended a certain Sunday school teacher.

Wow, that was a very long paragraph.

Anyway, today will be pretty average, except Adam Zagajewski (a well-known poet) is visiting and I'm supposed to attend his Q&A session and reading. Speaking of poetry, now I must go critique a bunch of poems. Woohoo.

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