the year started out fine. i met people, registered for classes, and managed to avoid pure loneliness for about a week. then, during the first semester, i was hit with what was probably a mild case of depression, due mostly to social anxiety. i had friends, but no really good ones, and i felt like the only people i could turn to were at home. i spent lots of time sitting at the computer, sending really long emails to my friends, crying. i hated college and desperately wanted to go home. it was pretty much like being in 7th grade again (at a new school with no friends), except nobody made fun of me and i wasn't going through puberty (thank GODDESS i'll never have to go through that again! if only i could reverse my physical condition...). but i joined fencing and agp/pride alliance so things were ok. then second semester came and things got better. i met jen and joined argo and tuesday group, and finally i hit the jackpot of cool weirdos. sure i was still extremely quiet and antisocial, but that's me. i started going to the counseling center about my severe lack of social skills, and jamie was able to help somewhat. just sitting there and rambling whatever the heck was in my head was very therapeutic. i'm the listener, so i don't get much of a chance to speak and everything builds up. i think i scared jamie with all my weirdness though. but that's ok. so second semester i made some new friends (still no really close ones, but a few good ones). i basically stopped the random crying spells. i think the reason why this year was kinda crappy was the lack of art classes. i just couldn't get into them. i took art history, but it wasn't the same. i need to draw. i need to feel the squish of clay oozing between my fingers. i need to express myself by making things. but next year i signed up for an art class so i'm happy. it's just an intro class (all those pre-college classes at cmu and here i am taking an intro to art course - bah!) but hey, it's art, and i can do well. sure art is more time-consuming, but i absolutely love it (it killed me having to decide whether i'd major in art or english, but i figured i'm better at writing and why should i major in art if i'm sick of painting?). i miss going to cmu and just sitting there for 3 hours, drawing naked women and smearing conte crayon all over my hands and face. anyway, back to this year. so i figure i have a serious case of ADD when it comes to paper-writing. i just sit there and pull out my hair because i have trichotillomania and tourette syndrome and my neurologist says it's only a mild case and it shouldn't hurt me - so my throat hurts from twitching my neck and my hair is ragged and torn and my fingertips are just plain weird because of the way i type and so on. fine. i have a "mild" case of everything. they all just build up and i feel like i have every disease in existence and nobody cares enough to help me and i just wanna explooooode... fine. at least they cared when i had appendicitis. at least they took the damn thing out even though it got infected and i spent the summer depressed and wanting to just kill myself. there, i said it. i never told anyone this, but last summer i was more depressed than people thought i was and i just thought about taking a knife and ending it all. but i knew i never could do that and it's against my religion and i just imagined the faces of my friends at my funeral... i never want to do anything like that. i know how much i mean to my friends, and they mean everything to me, so i can't do that. i didn't tell anyone about the pain i was going through because i thought they would tell my parents and they'd ship me off to a mental hospital and i've heard some horror stories and i wasn't seriously suicidal and a threat to myself so i stayed silent. i was annoyed because people had to change the bandages in my side every day after they tore it open again to get the infection out. gross. ouch. i couldn't do anything but sit around, and i was upset about having to leave my friends for the world of college where the majority of students get drunk and have sex a lot. not for me.
see where i'm going? i start talking about one thing and drift off. well, here's what i learned/accomplished this year:
my roommate taught me to swear
i developed an appreciation for maury, even those WHOMYBABYDADDY episodes
i don't think i gained the freshman 15, maybe only 10, but that's a lot for my height
i maintained my virginity (that was easy)
i didn't go to a single party unless you count some events that could be considered parties but with no alcohol involved
i never had any alcohol (2 drops of chocolate liquor at megan's house on new years doesn't count!)
i had apple juice 3 times a day every day and openly defied my doctor's orders of "only one glass of juice a day"
i learned to lock the door when i'm crying and not answer knocks
i learned it's OK to not pick up the phone when caller ID reveals it's not for me
i learned to tolerate a male sleeping in the same room with me as long as he's covered in the right places (carrie only had anthony over a few times and it was with permission - i only really objected to his snoring)
i learned to use ftp
i learned to write erotica :) (i'd be better at it if i knew what sex feels like, or at least an orgasm - i like being innocent, but sometimes i'm too innocent)
i decided i'm going to be the next j.k. rowling
i learned to appreciate the hitchhiker's guide (thanks cj!)
i developed a tolerance for stir-fry
i found that brooks food is better than franklin's and cmu's but it's still terrible
i learned a lot about anatomy (from womens studies handouts and my roommate talking about "the wang")
i can now say the word "penis" without flinching or bursting into a fit of childish giggles
i decided i need more gay guy friends
i found that 99% of the population is disgusted by my hairy legs (well poop on you too!)
i found that the bathrooms here are much better than the ones at cmu but they're still gross
i found that the lab computers here absolutely SUCK and i love the macs at cmu
i supersized my amusing tshirt collection
and other stuff
now here's some advice for my wonderful friends who are graduating from high school:
make friends the FIRST semester!
get a really cheap phone card with a ton of minutes and recharge it often (so you can call ME!)
when in despair, feel free to contact me since, chances are, i'll be slacking off playing neopets with nothing better to do. remember, i'm always here for you!
make friends with the upper class people too, they're the smart ones
don't wait until the last freakin' day to write your 7-page final paper and then sit there being lazy until 3 hours before it's due!
the counseling center is there for a reason, and they probably won't treat you the same way that high school counselors do (i'm still incredibly mad at ms. williams for what she told megan a year or so ago... *snarls*)
don't take more than 3 literature-based classes per semester - even if you like to read, you'll get sick of it fast
here's what my pop pop told me - sit in front and smile. i sit in front (partially because of my height and ability to get distracted) but i don't smile (hey, my face just has a natural frowning appearance) and it seems to work. however, if you're over 5 foot 4 or so, leave the front row for the wee folk! there's nothing i hate more than sitting behind a tall person with poofy hair in the second to last row (thinks back to 10th grade social studies)
buy a bunch of clothing a size or two bigger than what you usually wear so when you gain the freshman 15 you won't feel constricted and bust your buttons
for goodness sake, don't be like me and spend all day on neopets and/or the sims!
don't neglect your favorite activities
if you can, learn to fence! it's awesome, and poking people is a great stress reliever!
don't warn your roommate(s) of any conditions, obsessions, and "quirks" before you meet her/them. carrie was really scared to meet me after i first emailed her :P
people will leave you alone if you are holding a sword
it's ok to change in the closet, and i know *some* of you are as modest if not more modest than i am. ignore your roommate(s) if she/they make(s) fun of you and warn them it's for their own good so they don't go blind
get a microfridge
and that's it for now
wow it's 2:07 am! i set my alarm for 8 tomorrow since my dad is coming :P better shove the stuff of my bed, do a bit more packing, then go to sleeeeeep...