May 20th, 2002

"I'm a nun - I'm a penguin!"

reflection and book babblings

whew. 'tis the 20th, and my birthday was 2 days ago. i managed to survive to be 19 without dying from appendicitis or the following infection, getting killed in a stampede of sheep (i was watching wallace and gromit movies yesterday), mauled to death in a mosh pit (came close once but this nice girl pulled me out), squashed by a giant, turned into roadkill while crossing main street, burned at the stake by a mob of mad murrysville conservative catholics, rammed through by a defective fencing sword, falling into the bog of eternal stench and then dying from my own hideous vapors, shredded by a killer chihuahua (though i've been bitten by small crazed doggies twice), shot in a high school massacre, or any of the other ways i could have died before my 19th birthday including accidental and/or intentional suicide. what a lovely, morbid way to start a post. i'm in a good mood, really! though there's a bit of a crisis: i consumed the last of my idolmay (midol for non-pig-latin-speakers) and i don't have any left. but that problem can be fixed by a trip to my friendly local giant eagle. i'm medicated right now, which means i'm inflicted with a moderate case of delirium, i'm mellowed from the caffeine (for some reason, caffeine sedates me...), and i shouldn't operate machinery, but at least my insides aren't moaning and screaming in pain. they're just whimpering slightly. oh well. i had about 2 1/2 months free of "curses," and i thought i was malfunctioning, but i guess i'm ok. have i grossed you all out with TMI yet? sorry *evil laugh*

what was i going to do? ah, yes. reflect on the pinnacles and pitfalls of my 18th year. the first few days were great. i got presents and stuff, and i was happy as ever. then three or four days later, my appendix died, and my lower right side sobbed pathetically as i wondered what the heck was wrong with me. i missed a few days of school and slept away my pain. but i did go to school briefly to deliver my final project for speech and comp - the tribute speech that was the hardest thing i've ever written. then the next day i went to the doctor, then to the hospital for some tests (ultrasounds are funky!), and i found out that my appendix had died and i would too if they didn't take it out. so my first thoughts were: eek, surgery! i should just kill myself right now! then my second thoughts were: you idiot, suicide is a bad idea, and surgery isn't that bad. then i thought, eek, they'll see me naked! then i thought, so what, get over it, just go through with the surgery and you'll be fine. if you die, think of all the people you'd hurt. plus, a lot of your friends aren't exactly emotionally stable, and grieving your death will just make them worse. so i figured, ok, i'll do it. so i had to put on one of those hospital gowns (i got to unintentionally moon people, though...), have a icky pointy thing stuck in my arm (i'm surprised i didn't have one of my panic attack type things, but i found that i have almost no veins in my arm...), and basically starved until late at night. i was more worried about the surgeons seeing me naked than i was about dying. i have some serious self-esteem issues i need to get over. i'm better today than i was a year ago, but still, it's a big problem. anyway, anaesthesia is the funkiest thing ever. they told me they were drugging me, and within seconds my vision got blurry so i closed my eyes... and next thing i knew, i woke up shaking madly, felt something pulled out of me (i was too drugged to feel violated), and a voice told me they were putting me on morphine. i thought, ooh, morphine... i'm so hiiiiiigh! then my side felt kinda funky and it had a bandage over it. i spent two nights in the hospital, used a bedpan, had my own room, and was basically spoiled by the nurses. i was very polite to them. one even brought in this big n64 game system for me to play with. laura came to visit me and brought me some stuff, so i was happy. but a lot of the time i felt lonely and in pain and annoyed because i had a somewhat defective iv machine that beeped whenever the tube wasn't straight - and sometimes it wouldn't stop beeping until a nurse came in and fixed it. but anyway, i felt kinda sad because i was missing my last day of high school instead of showing up wearing some controversial tshirt and holding a camera, taking pictures of people i won't see until our next high school reunion and i can brag about my novels being #1 on the bestseller list and they can all grovel at my feet and beg me to autograph their books, and when i ask what happened to them, they'll stare at the floor, ashamed, and say they flunked out of college because they were too drunk and ended up living with their parents and working at mcdonalds because they couldn't get a better job (no offense to people who live(d) with their parents and work(ed) at mcdonalds after college - i'm just saying that many of the franklin snobs whose parents spoil them have no concept of how to make money for themselves and don't have much hope for a productive future, whereas i'll be collecting large royalty checks once i break into the publishing world - which may take a while, but i'm an excellent writer so i know i eventually will). where was i? oh yeah, missing the last day of school. well, while i was lying there feeling sorry for myself, megan's mom (who's a nurse at the hospital) came to visit me, so i felt a bit better. then i got to put my clothes back on, get a ride in a wheelchair, and go back home. laura came to visit, and then tarrah and shanna came over and brought cards that people signed, a video my speech and comp class made for me, and lots of random stuff. i felt so special. i still have the folder that laura and spam had everyone sign, and i read it whenever i need a mood booster. i never knew people cared about me that much. i mean, popular girls were bringing me signs and stuff that said "we love you, ade!" and then my speech and comp class made that video - usually when someone had surgery or something, cards would be passed around to sign - but the video was special. then a few days later i went on the graduation cruise and people i barely knew were coming up and hugging me and saying they hoped i felt better. i had some trouble walking and had to wear really loose pants for a few weeks, but at least i felt happy. then graduation came, and my relatives all came to see me and spoil me. and my family rang cowbells at graduation, a strange but fun conway family tradition. the next night i had my graduation party so the house was filled with all sorts of people. i was feeling kinda sick though, so i didn't enjoy the party as much as i could have. however, i got a ton of presents and lots of money. then a couple of days later, when i was feeling sick again, *removes disgusting details* i found out my wound was infected, and the doctor had to cut me open again and stick bandages in. i had to have the bandages replaced every day for a few weeks, which hurt a lot, but laura, being fascinated with gross morbid things, came over almost every day to help my mom change the bandages and then play chinese checkers with me til i felt better. some of my wiccan friends sent me healing energy, and i even got some reiki from bill, so i healed pretty fast. however, the doctor told me to limit my physical activity and stuff for most of the summer, so most of the time i just sat around feeling lonely and sorry for myself. i got depressed and almost suicidal, though i didn't tell anyone because i didn't want to worry them and i didn't want anyone telling my parents, who would probably send me off to a mental hospital or something. but i got better... until i went off to college. the first week was good, i met people, got situated, and the cafeteria food was digestable, but after a while i REALLY missed my murrysville friends and wanted to get away from allegheny, so i got depressed again. the second semester was better. i met jen and joined argo and tuesday group, so i widened my pathetic social circle and started having fun again. classes were better, and i actually had fun working on my womens studies activist project. so my mental health stablized. then i finished off my freshman year and returned home, where to this day i can sit around the house and do absolutely nothing. i still haven't unpacked a lot of my stuff, and my floor is covered in stuff, mostly papers. i spent my 19th birthday at SCA war practice (fun, though it was freezing and i felt odd walking around in form-fitting clothing - as much as i love fun costumes, i like the flumpy, breezy, let-it-all-bounce-free feel of loose clothing that doesn't remind the world that i'm a female... with a body), and i bought a neat little dagger. later in the day laura came over and we had fun being silly, discussing ways to kill people with napkins, placemats, and other random items (we seem so innocent and peaceful...), and we wrote out our wills. such insanity. oh, and we ate cheesecake (the food kind), which was incredibly delicious. so my 19th birthday was fun, though i didn't have an official party and megan bothered me about it.

my mom bought me "the shelters of stone," the newest book in the "earth's children" series by jean auel. i've read 5 chapters of it so far, and it's wonderful. my favorite character so far is zeladoni, the obese healer and spiritual leader of the ninth cave and jondalar's first lover who taught him the gift of pleasure when he was becoming a man. there's also a bit of happy erotica in chapter 5. jean auel writes the best erotica, it's not tacky or gross or anything, it's just magnificent and makes one feel all happy inside. when i read the first 4 books at age 13, i learned more about sex from the erotica content than i did anywhere else. but i also like the novels because i've always been interested in prehistoric stuff and this gives me a glimpse into the past. since they are so intensely researched, i also learn a lot about prehistoric culture and such. i really like "the shelters of stone" so far. very inspirational.

wow, what a long post. but hey, i covered a lot of topics! today the only plans i have are to hang out with kathy later, so now i'm going to scan in the outline for a paper doll i want to put on my web site (i love paper dolls, and this will give me a chance to have fun with photoshop without getting my friends mad at me for putting their heads onto interesting bodies). what fun, what fun...
  • Current Music
    "it's not easy being green" by kermit the frog :D