June 24th, 2002

"I'm a nun - I'm a penguin!"

(no subject)

mmm, just had some lovely ramen noodles. 'tis a full moon this afternoon. quite lovely.

i had a really odd dream last night. for the past few weeks i've had a few dreams where i realized i was pregnant (yet there was no father), and last night's dream was probably the freakiest of all. in the first part i remember, i was in a basement somewhere, probably in my house though it didn't look like my house. at first i was watching this pregnant girl in labor (some guy's daughter) and then i was the girl, giving birth even though i think i was still a virgin in the dream. laura and her mom were there, and i guess laura was calming me while her mother was the "midwife." i didn't really feel anything until the head started coming out, and then it hurt so much i think i screamed (which is weird because i never scream and don't think i have the lung capacity to do so) and blacked out. i guess i slept for a few hours or days and laura's mom took care of cleaning up the baby and me. apparently i also gave birth to a brown cupcake, though i had no idea how THAT got in my uterus, and i doubt anyone would want to eat a cupcake with placenta all over it. eww. anyway, apparently i woke up (in the dream) and realized i had a son named rafael (where did that name come from?). i wanted to see him since it had been something like 3 days. i also apparently had this little black male kitten i wanted to see (is this an omen that i'm getting a kitten soon?). i went upstairs to my parents' room, and it was dark. on the chest thing by their windows was a baby wrapped in white blankets. i heard it crying softly and saying "mama..." i went over to it, and i thought, this is my son, my first child. i just felt so happy and loving and maternal. "it's ok, mama's here." i said and went to pick him up. he sat up and looked at me with big blue eyes, and he was a pretty cute baby. then he started talking to me and i realized that this was no newborn, this was a 3 or 4-year-old child. i picked him up, and he was only wearing this little t-shirt. i said, "you're not rafael, where's my son?" i then realized that this was an evil child, and he was being really mean. he stood on this chair and then peed on it, then started spraying me. i was disgusted and ran away, and i saw a bunch of women (my mom and an imaginary neighbor and a few others). i told them that the evil kid was not my son and apparently some evil force had switched them and i had to find rafael. i was worried about offending my "neighbor" for some reason, either because her son was the same age as the evil kid or because the evil kid WAS her son. anyway, i knew i had to find rafael quickly. in the next part, apparently i was sitting on the front porch watching all these people on the front lawn. my parents and a bunch of adults were there, and everybody was sad because my son was missing. it was like a funeral almost. while the grownups were all hugging my parents and talking to them, i saw myself walking around all alone, ignored by the others. while people were comforting my parents, i knew i was the one that needed help since it was MY son and I was the one hurting. i watched myself walk to the middle of the lawn, and then cj appeared. we hugged, and we both looked like we were going to cry. there was just this big wave of sadness in the air because some force had switched my son with an evil toddler. after that, i guess i went on a journey to look for my son, though it involved weird stickers and a big scroll thingy advertising a single's club. i woke feeling both worried and sad. apparently all these pregnancy dreams mean there's a new part of me developing, and the childbirth signified a new beginning. but the loss of my child probably meant i have (or had) an opportunity right in front of me and then lost it somehow. ugh. weird and confusing are my dreams.
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