December 7th, 2006

I love my hand!

(no subject)

I was just reading some "10 Things You Don't Know About Women" lists written by various people, and I thought I'd share my own. For the record, most of these don't really apply to me, they just come from my observations about females. I'm pretty androgynous, and I don't really understand women, but here goes.

1. Women talk about sex. A lot. Probably as much as, if not more than, men. Her friends know all about you, from your size and preferences to how good or bad you are.

2. A lot of guys seem to think that a woman's period is a horrible thing, when she's bleeding constantly for days on end and all that fun stuff. Well, it's not that big of a deal to women, as long as it's not too heavy or painful and, most importantly, fairly regular. It's not an enjoyable time, but after the first year or so, you get used to it.

3. Women don't like it when men start hitting on them without actually talking to them first. They don't like whistling, pick-up lines, being called "babe" or "foxy lady" or similar names, and they hate it when fat, balding old guys eye-rape them from across the room.

4. If you want to know how to please a woman, you should probably just ask her what to do. It tends to vary with the woman, and you'll get points for caring.

5. Want to know if she likes you too? Try to kiss her. If she kisses you back, she probably likes you (or is just starving for physical contact). If she backs away nervously, she'd rather remain friends. If she smacks you, it's definitely a no, and you should apologize and never try that again.

6. Her cat/dog/rat/bird/salamander/moose/whatever is always going to be more important than you. Getting along with her animal(s) will really help you out in the relationship category. If you have and/or like animals yourself, you'll understand, and this should be easy. And when her pet dies, she's going to be inconsolable for at least a few days, and there's nothing you can do about it, other than be nice and order in Chinese food.

7. Don't believe those cologne ads. Most women don't find those scents attractive. If you want women eyeing you and following you around, get something that smells like chocolate.

8. They're going to get mad at you all the time and expect you to know why. It's rather silly of them, but they do it anyway. There's really not much you can do about that either except be nice and order in Chinese food. And be willing to talk, I guess, since most women are into that sort of thing.

9. Don't ever buy a woman clothes unless you know exactly what she likes and wants. And don't go shopping with her either, unless the store has nice comfy chairs. You know, after all the times I've been at the mall with my sister, and all the times she's told me to wait while she's in the changing rooms, it's actually improved my opinion of those rather pretentious, expensive, brand-name stores like Abercrombie and Fitch. Many of them have nice comfy chairs and magazines for the moms, boyfriends, and fashion-oblivious sisters.

10. Our public bathrooms will always be cleaner and less stinky than yours. So thbbbbbb!!!!!!!

And also, because I feel like it, something for the ladies: 10 things you don't know about men. Of course, I am not male, and these are just observations, but I think I've been around boys enough to have a basic understanding of them.

1. Most men aren't insensitive, they just don't know what to say sometimes.

2. From what I hear, most guys like boobs simply because they don't have them (fat boys aside), and they're fascinating.

3. Men are very easy to manipulate, which is why so many end up being "whipped" in relationships. Don't take advantage of this.

4. They care about women more than women think. They just aren't sure how to express it the right way, which is why many seem like assholes. They tend to closet their emotions though. They agonize and sometimes cry when things aren't going smoothly with their wives and girlfriends too. Just not around others.

5. While many men actually do think with their heads, not just their genitalia, the other brain often wins. So many smart, thinking men have fallen victim to their hormones. It's not their fault. It's just that their instincts often win over their brains. Even relatively prudish men succumb. They may say they don't like slutty girls and mean it, but when girls make moves on them, it's hard for them to resist. It's just wired into their systems.

6. According to many guys I've spoken to, heterosexual men generally like lesbians because while the idea of one naked woman is appealing, two is even better. Especially when they're doing sexy things to each other. It's just hot. But this explanation does not apply to why some women enjoy slash.

7. If you feel annoyed or jealous when your guy is spending more time playing video games/DnD/Magic/whatever than being with you, just remember that these games can be addictive (for either gender), and there's not much you can do about it. And none of these games have boobs (yet), so after the games are over, you'll get your share of attention.

8. A man will do almost anything to get a woman to stop crying. It just makes him uncomfortable.

9. Guys tend to be romantically inept. They don't know what to say to a girl they really really like, without coming off as an idiot, and they're probably more shy around girls than girls are around boys. Many have confidence issues too. If a guy acts like a bumbling idiot around you (just you, not people in general), he probably likes you and doesn't know what to do about it.

10. Never, under any circumstances, ask a guy a question like "Do I look fat in this?" or "Does this lipstick match my shoes?" Unless he's gay and knows what you're talking about.

I will await the comments telling me I'm wrong.
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative