June 25th, 2007

Baby Alton on a banana

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It's been an interesting weekend. On Friday, I had dinner with Sarah and Atilla, and afterwards, we went to Chuck E Cheese's. Rose came along, and it was her first time there. We're such mature adults, into mature adult pastimes.

And yesterday, I went to the Midsummer Night's Dream fairy ball up in Meadville. Fun times. I wanted to kidnap this little boy there, he was 7 but looked 5 and was running around with glowsticks. At the end of the night, he put like 2 dozen glowsticks in his tights. It was hilarious. I hung out with Francesca afterwards, which was nice. It's good to visit her every couple weeks, we have such interesting conversations.

Rose is squishing my not-frozen-any-more paneer that I've had for like 2 years. It's probably not safe for eating any more, but it makes a fun ice pack.

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Moccasin eating spaghetti

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Warning: Post may contain spoilers if you haven't seen the latest "The Next Food Network Star" episode. But even if you're not into the series (the actual TV show, not "The Pantsless Bitch" comic, though there will be a new episode tonight), you should read this post anyway. Or not.

My thoughts on the remaining potential Food Network stars:

- Rory: I hope she's eliminated next. She has a great personality, but evidently her cooking tends to be less than awesome. Plus, she has a disturbingly huge mouth, and I can't get over it. I wouldn't be able to watch her show without staring at her massive jaw and completely ignoring what she was doing. Sorry, Rory. You're bubbly and everything, but Rachael Ray is cuter, and people like her food better.

- Adrian: I feel like I'm required to like him because he's eye candy and has the man-version of my name. But he's kind of a douche. I don't think I'd watch his show.

- Jag: He's quite an interesting character. I like his culinary ideas the best, although I'm not sure whether I like him or not. He's fun when he's happy and an ass when he's stressed, but he seems to be rather full of himself (Come on, "Jag it up?" You're not allowed to have your own -isms until you're famous, and yours isn't very creative. You have nothing on Emeril and Rachael.). I'd probably watch his show for the sake of the food. He makes a good reality TV personality though, he's so full of energy and completely bipolar.

- Amy: She's cute. Not all that interesting, but cute. Maybe her show would be good for the early afternoon housewife viewers or something.

- And finally, Paul: Oh my gosh, I really really really want Paul to win. And not just because he's the cute gay guy and I'm a total fag hag. He's adorable! He's just so fun and sweet, and I haven't even been paying much attention to what he's cooking because I'm just so enamored with his personality. I would totally watch his show, even if he was making a ham and celery cake with fois gras sauce. He's just that adorable.

I think Paul and Paula Deen should have a show together, called "Paul and Paula." Paula could be her sweet, matronly, hilarious self, and Paul could be her adorable gay manservant sous chef. Or Paul and Jag could have a show together, they made an interesting team on the last episode. Jag the spastic "let's deep-fry the meatloaf since the oven won't work!" ex-Marine and Paul the "OMG NO! Damn. Ok. I do push-ups now." homofagual. They were awesome together.

Also, who wants to be on my future reality show? It's going to be called "Manservant," and it will be your basic group-of-people-vying-for-something-and-slowly-getting-eliminated show. The prize is being my manservant. That pretty much means that I make you wear ridiculous outfits (such as a bow tie and little shorts, or a loincloth, or fairy wings), and you bring me fruity girly drinks. That's pretty much it. Look silly and bring me drinks.

Here are the requirements. You must be:
- Male (biological males preferred, but tranny boys are cool too)
- Somewhere within 10 years of my age (18-24 preferred, but I'm willing to go younger and/or older)
- be willing to dress in drag, whether you look good in it or not (if you don't, I won't make you do it again, but willingness is key)

The following qualities are preferred but not required:
- single (so your girl/boyfriend doesn't get jealous, unless she/he approves and wants to join us for girly drinks)
- flaming (I loves me my gay men)
- fabulous hair (I prefer long and/or curly, especially jewfros. I like it wild and overgrown.)
- geeky
- have glasses
- some basic knowledge of mixed drinks (if not, you can learn and bring me bottles of Mike's in the mean time)
- enjoy watching Bollywood movies, Monty Python, tranny musicals, cartoons, and other fun things, and never get tired of quoting them repeatedly

Any applicants? I might make this into a comic if I run out of ideas for "The Pantsless Bitch," and/or have have nothing else to do at work. Pleeeeeease? You know you want to. Sign up by commenting.

[This post was brought to you by roughly 4 hours of work in an 8-hour day]
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(no subject)

Well gee golly, what a day I've had. My old chum Jim Bob and I were driving our pickup down by the crick after a long day at the mines, and sweet Jesus, there was so many of dem fishes jumpin' in the crick! And me without my trusty fishin' rod, Bessie! I was so distraught I dropped my can o' Coors. Well my pal Jim Bob sure saved my fishin'-a-jonesin' booty, for he reached into his pants and drew out the one thing that could bring a smile to my face. It was long, sleek, and beautiful. That's right, it was the one and only FISH PEN!!!!! Why, I was so happy I gave ol' Jim Bon a big wet one right on the kisser. After he called me a farkin' homofagual and knocked out my last three teeth, we gone and fished like real men with our FISH PENS! Thanks, y'all. Now I have some guppies to bring my little woman Billie Joe Susie, and after her evening beatin', she can cook me and our five lil' juniors a real meal! Hot diggity dawg. Thanks, FISH PEN!
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