June 2nd, 2008

Moccasin eating spaghetti

(no subject)

I'm excited that there's a new season of "The Next Food Network Star." Now there are TWO reality cooking competition shows I can follow religiously, because a) I don't really have a life right now, and b) I love cooking shows, and this adds a new dimension. I wish there was an adorable gay guy this season (I miss Paul!), but maybe there is one who hasn't come out yet. Here are my spoiler-free views on this season's contestants:

Aaron: He seems ok, but doesn't really stand out for me. Well, except maybe his earrings.

Adam: He's all right, I guess. I think he's interesting, but his cooking is questionable.

Cory: In theory, I love the idea of a stand-up comedienne doing a cooking show, because food and humor are two of my favorite things, and I love cooking shows with funny hosts (Paula Deen cracks me up so much). But Cory just froze up several times, and you can't do that if you're going to be a TV star. I mean, I know many of the current stars do get nervous, but they deal with it well. Even Bobby admitted that he's always nervous, but he fakes confidence well (perhaps a little too well - I think he's a douche). I mean, Paula Deen suffered from agoraphobia for years, but you'd never guess it from watching her. Stage fright is understandable, but to be successful, you have to find ways to get past it. You'd think that Cory would have experience overcoming stage fright since she's a stand-up comedienne.

Jeffrey: I think he's an interesting guy too. I don't know if I'd watch his show, but we'll see what happens.

Jennifer: She doesn't really stand out for me.

Kelsey: She's cute and fun, and I think she's got a good shot at being a star. She does seem a little like an "overcaffeinated cheerleader" sometimes, but so far, only one episode has aired. I look forward to seeing how she progresses.

Kevin: This guy has a lot of charisma. I think he'll be popular with the ladies.

Lisa: I really don't like her at all. She's a high-strung beeyotch, and nobody seemed to like her much. Also, her whole "philosophy" is confusing and convoluted. And to top it all off, I really hate her hairdo. For some reason, I just can't stand that sharp, chin-length-with-bangs look. Something about it really bothers me. And really, you expect people to respect and like you more because you can cook in high heels and a tight skirt? You have a distinct personality, that's for sure. But it's not a likeable one.

Nipa: I think she's absolutely adorable. And I love her idea of making ethnic food accessible. I do think The Food Network could use a wider variety of ethnic cooking, and I think viewers would really respond well to something new and different. Unfortunately, the show ads make it seem like she gives up, so I'm not sure she'll make it. I hope I'm wrong, because I'd be crazy about a show featuring a cute little Indian woman making ethnic food (and not just Indian food - I want to see a variety of regions featured).

Shane: First of all, I'm impressed that this guy is so young (he's only 19) and has accomplished so much. I think it would be great to have some young blood on the channel, especially if his show appealed to younger audiences (not like a kids show or anything, although that would also be a really good idea, but something young adults would enjoy, because in recent years, a lot more younger folks are watching The Food Network). He's had a bit of a shaky start, but I think once he gets some momentum going, he'll knock the socks off of some of his older competitors.

It'll be interesting to see how this show progresses. Also, I love this line from Bob Tuschman's blog: "Note to self: in the future, do not sit between Giada DeLaurentiis and Bobby Flay. You will look like a Hobbit."
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    hungry hungry
Hallo!

(no subject)

Hah. So apparently that writers' block question about what you would do if you found a newborn baby was replaced with a question about what you would do if you were a hobgoblin for 24 hours. Well, that changes things... in that case, I'd be running around stealing babies instead. Then once I had enough of them, I'd make a living, squirming sculpture (a giant baby made of babies) out of duct tape and babies, steal a pickup truck, and deposit the sculpture and truck somewhere public (maybe in the McDonalds parking lot near my neighborhood), and then sneak back home. Then I'd change back to my humanoid-ish self, and the authorities would be baffled by the hobgoblin fingerprints. Muhahahahaaaaa.

What words do you find wise enough to live by?


This reminds me of a paper I wrote in high school. We were supposed to write 10 pieces of advice as if we were writing a college essay, so I wrote The 10 Commandments of Ade. I should dig it up sometime, I bet it's on one of my old Zip disks. The ones I remember were: Thou shalt not eat Swiss cheese, Thou shalt choose thy religion wisely, and Thou shalt not trust a skinny chef. It was an interesting mixture of silliness and insight, and my teacher said I should publish it (I didn't, but now I want to find it and read it... if only I could figure out where the heck I stashed my old Zip disks, unless it's on my desktop computer somewhere).

Anyway, here are some current words to live by:

1. Never trust a skinny chef. Look at Paula Deen, Emeril Lagasse, Mario Batali, Ina Garten... even Rachael Ray has some meat on those bones (she's nowhere near fat, but she sure knows how to make and enjoy a great meal). They know what they're doing, and I think The Food Network is one of the very few media industries that doesn't hound its stars to be skinnier and skinnier. Sure, there are healthy cooking shows starring slimmer chefs, but you just can't beat the orgasmic look on Paula Deen's face when she digs into a piece of pie. Y'all.

2. If you're unhappy about something in your life that you do have control over, quit your whining and do something about it. You'll feel better, really. Sure, it's easier to sit back and blame others or complain all day, but it's really annoying when people consistently complain about things they're perfectly capable of fixing or use mental illness as an excuse for their inaction. [About that last comment, I'm not saying people with mental illnesses are whiny and lazy. Mental illness is an illness, and sometimes it does render people inactive. What I'm talking about here is when people choose to avoid treating a mental illness and then use it as an excuse for not dealing with their problems, or use it to manipulate people who care about them. I know several people who are guilty of this.]

3. Don't simultaneously drive and talk on your cell phone.

4. Don't drive one of those Hummers or a giant SUV if you don't absolutely need one for practical reasons. Also, if you drive a Hummer, you are automatically a douchebag.

5. Don't be afraid to end a relationship (whether it's a friendship, romantic relationship, family connection, etc.) if there are serious problems that aren't being resolved. Many times it's worth it to communicate and work out problems, and relationships can be repaired. But many times, people maintain connections because they care about the other person, don't want to hurt anyone, are afraid of loneliness, and so forth. But sometimes it's better to let go and move on, and you'll be better off in the long run. Are you friends with someone who's sweet and funny but annoying as hell and constantly gets on your nerves? Time to back away and focus your attention on people you enjoy hanging out with. Boyfriend consistently refuses to commit? Get out of that dead-end relationship and find someone who wants the same level of commitment you do. Did your crazy fundamentalist aunt whip out the fire and brimstone when you came out of the closet, and now she beats you over the head with a bible at every family picnic? You have every right to break off contact. Sure, ending any relationship can be painful, but it's like ripping off a band-aid. Do it quickly, and brace yourself for sharp pain that will soon go away. Peel at it slowly, and it will prolong the stinging. And if you leave a band-aid on too long, it'll get soggy, and you'll get lint stuck to the edges and stuff... ok, screw that metaphor.

6. On that note, know your priorities and stick to them. Chicks before dicks, and bros before hoes. Never put a lover before the other important people in your life (friends, children, your dog, etc.) unless you're married or something. Romantic relationships are usually temporary, whether they last for days or years, but remember that many of the other important people will stick around long after you break up. Even if you do marry the person, always nurture your other relationships and don't push them aside.

7. Always take time to play. Leave work at work, and go home and unwind with video games, or play tug-o'-war with your puppy. It's healthy.

8. Young adult fantasy is totally a respectable genre. Screw you if you say otherwise!
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    amused amused