Oh, you want to read why I thought of suicide? Well, first of all, I got appendicitis a few days after my 18th birthday, so I had surgery and missed the last week of school. People were really nice to me then and sent me things and generally made me feel appreciated even though most of them treated me like shit in junior high and high school. I made it to graduation, but a few days later, the wound got infected. Long story short (yeah, long story short! wait... no...), they cut me open again (without ANY form of painkillers...) and i had to have the *internal* bandages changed every day for a month or so. now that was very painful (for the first two weeks or so, but after bill gave me reiki and a huge load of healing energy, the pain faded and i healed really fast). not to mention disgusting. i was very unhappy about that, i really wasn't looking forward to college (it's highly overrated, in my opinion), and i didn't want to leave the friends i had worked so hard to obtain and keep. high school really sucked, but in my senior year i finally started getting some respect, and people were nice. that ended, and i had to start all over at college (i didn't really start making many friends until i met jen second semester... she really saved me, and i'm eternally grateful. i miss her.). i had to lay around all day (i do anyway, but when you HAVE to do something, it's less fun), i couldn't do much, the pain really got on my nerves (ok, that was kind of a bad pun...), and the antibiotics were wreaking havoc on my taste buds, so i didn't want to eat anything except soup and stuff. i lost 5 pounds. i've never lost any weight except when i'm really sick. so i was depressed, and i had these horrible recurring thoughts of ending it all to free myself from the agony my life had become. now what does laura have to do with this? well, first of all, she and her mom visited me in the hospital the day after my appendectomy, and she brought me a whole bunch of stuff so i wouldn't get bored. she visited me at home every other day or so, and when my mom or the visiting nurse would change the bandages, she was right there, helping out. she thought it was neat because for some twisted reason she likes bodily fluids and nasty gory stuff. anyway, she would pass her afternoons playing chinese checkers with me and making sure i was ok. she took care of me and reminded me (indirectly) that i have so much to live for. i never told anyone that i was depressed that summer until a few months ago. anyway, back to the original topic.
however, she IS a bible-thumper, and while i've told her to put down the jesus stick in my presence (she really tries, and she's usually good about leaving me to my own beliefs), sometimes it really sounds like she's trying to convert me. that really hurts. it's like she's cutting me to pieces and telling me i shouldn't be who i am. while i love her dearly (not like that!), she really hurts me sometimes, and it's gotten to the point where i can't stand talking about religion with her any more. when we became really good friends in 11th grade (10th for her), i told her i was wiccan because at that point i was "coming out of the broom closet" (as pagans call it). well, i'm completely out'n'proud regarding religion, and at first laura seemed weirded out by it, but after i dispelled some myths and told her i'd respect her beliefs if she respected mine, she seemed semi-ok with it. about a year and a half later, after a conversation about homosexuality, i wrote her a long note and came out. well, that was a shock to her system, but she didn't really judge me any worse for it. we're still friends, which is all i wanted. i don't care if people think homosexuality is a sin as long as they respect me and love me for who i am. i was still pretty closeted in high school (some of my really close friends knew, but nobody else), and now i'm pretty much out to everyone but my family. though if they haven't figured it out by now, then they're truly stupid. i think my sister has figured it out, but she hasn't really accepted it yet. but she's only 12, so i don't expect her to understand. she's so NORMAL (by society's standards) and never had problems with fitting in or conforming to the expectations of others, so she's probably having trouble accepting that she has a queer older sister. the girl who plays "bob" with her and told her all about sex and puberty. the person who always fought with her right around dinnertime and flung globs of orange squash all over the kitchen when mom wasn't there (ok, now i'm laughing, even remembering how much i got yelled at when my mom discovered the orange blob on the ceiling...).
anyway, i saw jason stuart tonight. he's so FUNNY! and he kept picking on these two obviously straight guys in the front row. i laughed so hard, and it cheered up the grumpiness i was feeling earlier. afterwards, i went to the studio and worked on the dolls some more since the stupid teacher decided to make them due after fall break since some people weren't putting effort in. bastard. oh yes, and jessica, if you want to see the dolls-in-progress, they're in a wooden box-like thing near the wall in the northern (i think) part of the studio. they're kinda hidden. the most obvious is a big pink thing half-painted and half-covered in styrofoam. that will eventually be a bunny rabbit (a scary one). the one with wings is annie, the goddess of bad weather. two others are going to be hedwig and a neanderthal. i'm not sure what the last will be or what i'm going to do with the box which will eventually be scenery.
oh yeah, and i kinda came out in film class. we were about to watch "psycho" (i didn't like it until the end, because the ending was just amusing), and prof. quimby mentioned coming out week and said she was a lesbian (i knew that - she's one of the main pride alliance people). she asked "anyone else want to come out?" i said, "sure, me. i'm gay." i know there are several other gays in the class (half of agp is in the class...), but nobody else said anything (of course, most of the agp people came in kinda late). ah well.
must... sleep... but i did laundry today so i have no sheets on my bed... they're all semi-damp (damn dryer wouldn't work, so i shoved two loads into one dryer), but i have an extra set... and i didn't do any of the stuff due tomorrow. someone hit me, please.