I'm sorry I have to do this to you, but it's time for us to break up. You see, today I met another Giant Eagle, and well... things happened, and... I'm so sorry! Look, I've always liked you. At the beginning of our relationship, when you opened for the first time, 10-12 years ago or whenever, I thought you were awesome. You had a cool machine where you could poke the screen and get recipes and coupons and stuff (whatever happened to that machine?). People handed out balloons and cookies to happy kids like me. When I was a teenager, my friend worked in your video store, which made visiting you that much more fun. At 17, I got my own Advantage Card (and still have it in my wallet). We were buddies. Whenever my mom dragged me to church, I'd usually find some excuse to climb down the steep hill and visit you at some point.
But in recent years, you've really let yourself go. I blame Walmart. You were once locally owned and operated, but once Walmart lay its soul-sucking claws a few miles away, your owner sold you back to the corporation. It was all downhill from there. Your produce is no longer fresh. No cookies for children. No dried mushrooms. It took me a good half an hour to find the garlic a few months ago. And that annoying woman with a bad case of oral diarrhea still chatters away at anyone who braves the depths of the video section (which sucks, by the way - it's one of the reasons behind my affair with Netflix). It's been sad to see you deteriorate like this.
I think you knew about all the other Giant Eagles I visited over the years. I saw many throughout Pittsburgh, and I even had the 5-year tryst with the Meadville branch (though I usually went to one of the Bilos, which decided to rename itself Quality Fresh Markets, which is a stupid name, because they were closer). But you were always there for me. Even as I moved on. I visited the Giant Eagle close to my new place and found it unsatisfactory (they don't carry any Amy's products, and that branch is really only good for a quickie when I need something basic).
But today, I visited the Giant Eagle next to Target. I hoped to seek the elusive Giant Eagle that wouldn't let me down. And I found it. Their produce is fresh. They have a bajillion kinds of mushrooms. And cheese! They even have pickled okra, which is nearly impossible to find in the north! I must confess, I plan on returning to this Giant Eagle again and again for my grocery needs. It's too late. I have blown my load (and by load, I mean 30 cents worth of fuelperks) in there, and the damage has been done (to my wallet). I'll still visit you occasionally, like after work when I'm not hunting for obscure food items. We can still be friends.
I'm sorry. I didn't want to do this. It's not you, it's me. Ok, maybe it IS you. Or maybe it's the bigger-and-better branch. Hey, at least I'm not leaving you for that ridiculously HUGE and fabulous Giant Eagle like an hour away where Paula Deen had her book signing. That would just be going too far.
With a little bit (but not all) of my love,
Note to self: If any relative or person likely to buy you a birthday present worth more than $5 asks what you want, tell them you need one of those spice racks/holders/whatever that come with a bunch of full jars of basic spices (the more the merrier). kthxbye