Ade (agentfroot) wrote,

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I'm not particularly fond of Valentine's Day, although I like getting candy sometimes. And it's Derek's birthday, but we're not in Meadville any more, so there will be no dinner at Compadres tonight (waaaaah!). Like many people, I see this holiday more as a marketing thing with the unfortunate side effect of alienating singles, widows, divorcees, and other currently unattached folks.

That said, here are some reasons why I'm proud to be single and like it this way:
- Nobody steals the covers, snores, kicks, hogs the bed, puts their cold feet on me, etc.
- I can spend an entire weekend in my pajamas, without showering or anything, playing video games and eating cookies in bed
- Nobody has asked why there's a jar of pickles on my nightstand (get your minds out of the gutter, they're for eating)
- Nobody gets jealous that I pay more attention to my animals than them
- I like cats better than people anyway
- I don't have to deal with someone calling me every day, sometimes multiple times, or leaving 40 messages on my voice mail when I don't pick up
- I don't have to say "stop touching me!" all the time
- There's much less of a chance of someone handing me a jewelry box while I bite my lip and avoid mentioning that I'll never wear it, it will just get lost somewhere on my dresser, and I would have preferred chocolate (which is cheaper anyway)
- I hate pink. Really hate it. Don't you dare get me a card or anything with pink hearts on it, because not only is it cheesy as hell, it makes me want to set things on fire.
- Sleeping in until 3 pm is totally an option most weekends
- Nobody can accuse me of such ridiculous things as "you don't care about me!" or "you don't love me!" or "you don't care about my feelings!" if I ignore their phone calls or tell them I want to be left alone
- I can be an introvert without someone getting offended that I don't want to spend every second glued to their side
- I don't have to deal with anyone accusing me of cheating or making silly assumptions when I hang out with my various male friends, even if we're alone together (well, ALMOST anyone... there will always be people who are overly suspicious of opposite-gender friendships and/or read waaaay to much into things)
- Almost everything that's mine is MINE, not "ours"
- No fighting over money, kids, jealousy, what to have for dinner, what to name our 23rd cat, whose turn it is to take out the garbage, etc.
- I don't have to "check in" or let people know where I'm going, what I'm doing, who I'm seeing, etc.
- Who controls the remote? That's right, ME!
- Nobody can tease a guy because I have him "whipped"
- When I think about the future, I don't have to be concerned about anyone else but me
- I never have to worry about getting pregnant and trying to take care of a screaming, poopy baby, whether it's by myself or not
- I can buy a house and have complete control over how it looks, what kind of furniture to get, how many animals I keep, etc. If I wanted to, I could totally paint a Hannah Montana mural on one wall, and nobody would protest. Not that I will or anything, but I COULD.
- The only dirty underwear I have to look at is my own
- If I see muddy footprints tracked all over the house, I immediately know who did it
- Who cares if my room is a mess? Nobody goes in there but me.
- I probably won't walk into my room one day to find someone watching porn on my computer
- If I really let myself go (which I pretty much already have), I'm the only one who sees me naked
- I never have to grumble and put the seat down (actually, when I lived with all guys, most of them were good about putting the seat back down, and only like two of them ever left it up)
- For that matter, nobody leaves the freaking door open when they're peeing, for crying out loud (see the note above - only two of my housemates actually did that)
- I don't have to risk seeing foods I hate in the fridge. No siree, no ham or celery or scallops or Swiss cheese in MY fridge, although Rose's hot dogs are still in the freezer (I should probably just pitch them, especially since I've had them since September, although I hate to waste food)
- I don't have to wait for other people as much
- I can sing along with Tori, Hannah, Avril, or whoever (whether other people like the music or not), when I'm in my room or in my car, and there usually isn't anyone there to annoy
- I can spend 45 minutes in the shower if I want (although I don't normally waste water like that, and my current shower tends to get cold after 25-30 minutes anyway)
- Fewer dishes to wash!
- I don't have to consider other people's plans unless I'm making plans wih them
- If the smoke detector goes off, it's probably my fault
- On that note, I have enough common sense to know that wine doesn't make a good pizza topping
- On THAT note, I can order whatever the heck I want on my pizza, get an extra large so I get a few extra meals out of it, and I won't be horribly disappointed because there's nobody to eat my leftovers!
- Spaghettios straight out of the can also counts as dinner. Extra points if you eat it in bed.
- I'd say that I don't have to deal with other people's mail, but that's not true right now since a) SOMEONE didn't change her address with the post office (though according to Ben, the new address is on Facebook, and I'll change it myself), and b) my new landlord already changed his address to my house, even though I'm not moving out until the end of March, and I just LOVE writing forwarding addresses REPEATEDLY
- I'd also say that I don't have to deal with other people's stuff, but SOMEONE needs to come get the rest of her crap, because I'm not moving or shipping it, and if it isn't out of my house when I move, I'm leaving it there
- I don't have to worry about hurting someone when I decide it's time to end the relationship, especially if it's a living-together situation or something like a long-distance relationship where it's harder to give someone the common courtesy of breaking up face-to-face
- I never have to deal with anyone wanting more of a commitment than I do
- I can press the snooze button half a dozen times without annoying the crap out of anyone
- I don't have to deal with anyone else's alarm, for that matter
- Nobody assumes I'll automatically take care of their animals for them (and my mom asks nicely when she needs me to feed the cats while she's gone)
- Very few people tell me "stop that" when I'm twitching or pulling my hair (even when I'm only LOOKING or gently touching it, some people assume I'm pulling). You want me around, you get the whole package, Tourette Syndrome included.
- I don't have to deal with needy, codependent, or abusive behavior (and I don't understand why anyone puts up with it anyway)
- Nobody mooches
- My bank accounts are MINE (ok, so my parents' names are still on the ones that were set up more than 3 or 4 years ago, but they don't touch them), and I don't have to deal with shared funds or worry that the other person will buy something ridiculous with the money I put in (You bought a giant inflatable light-up Santa with my hard-earned money? That's it. I'm divorcing you right now, you lover of hideous lawn-beasts!)
- If I want to infest the front yard with armies of lawn gnomes, I WILL!

Yes folks, these are just a mere sprinkling of reasons why singlehood is totally awesome, and I'm not even remotely jealous of all those sickeningly cute couples cooing over each other (Oh, and guys? You look really pathetic when you're using "baby talk." Your friends are gagging and rolling their eyes for a reason. And if your girlfriend calls you something stupid like "Won-won" and monopolizes your time, I guarantee your friends all hate her. Girls, you look stupid when you're hanging off a guy and baby-talking him too, and your friends also think it's pathetic. Oh, and if you're gay... yes, it's cute. It will always be cute to see two guys (or girls) cuddling. Just don't be pathetic about it like the straight people.). My plans this evening would have involved heating something frozen and playing Runescape for hours, but I somehow got nagged into going to my sister's "Senior Night" thing at the pool and videotaping in exchange for pizza.

In closing, let there be lawn gnomes! (Once I actually buy a place, I'm totally starting a collection. But I want the good, sturdy ceramic ones, not the crappy plastic ones.)
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