Ade (agentfroot) wrote,

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I had a really disturbing dream last night. I was in Vermont, and I was apparently on a farm, though part of it was in the middle of a forest. I remember walking down a road by a meadow (I think my sis was there, I'm not sure), but the main part took place in the woods. I was walking down a path in the forest, then i saw this fenced-in area with a chicken coop and maybe a couple other animals. I looked at the chickens and saw them lying down, and I wondered if the chupacabra got them. If you don't know what a chupacabra is, look it up, and I know the reference came from last week's Tuesday group (exchanging random words and writing about them - Ben wrote "chupacabra" and I wrote a story partially involving a chupacabra and chickens). Anyway, I either fell over the fence (it was either chicken wire or deer netting...) or jumped over, and the fence bent. I knew I had to get out of there, so I fixed the fence and ran over to one of the sides where the fence ended so I could step over it. I was back on the path, but my feet and hands were muddy and so were my pants. I worried that I'd run into the farmer and he'd see me as this kid wearing a gray t-shirt and black raver pants (the ones I'm wearing today) who was trespassing. I was suddenly paranoid and depressed and wanted to die. I pictured myself lying facedown in the mud, and I just wanted to lie down and die. I felt really suicidal for no reason, and I knew I had to get out of the forest. So I started running, and I think I was crying too. I saw all these giant tube thingies that looked like big brightly-colored tunnels with zippers on them, and I ran through one desperately. I came out into the light, seeing this big barn-shaped building and thinking, "I will always remember this building, it saved my life." Apparently it was a gas station or car wash, and I saw my mom there. A bunch of other random, stupid things happened, but that was the significant part. I woke feeling terrified and depressed, not knowing why. I don't know why I felt suicidal in those woods and why the emotion was so strong. Maybe the dream echoed feelings from watching the speaker on mental health last night. I don't know, but I didn't like the dream at all.

Anyway, we had the group presentation in film today. It went fairly well, and people talked too much as usual. We talked about the movie "Working Girls," a film all about prostitution. Of course, the whole time I was thinking, these people probably don't know any sex workers personally, so they aren't really affected by prostitution. A friend of mine used to sell herself for drug money back in junior high. A couple years into our rather bipolar friendship, I told a couple people at camp that I had a friend who was temporarily a whore. They were all disgusted and yelled at me, like it was my fault or something. They asked how I could be friends with someone who sold herself. I didn't really know until now. Well, in junior high, very few people even gave me a chance at friendship. My friend, we'll call her "K," accepted me for who I was. When I walked down the hall, people would point and laugh, and guys would sexually harass me, but K was nice to me when nobody else was. And you're telling me she's a bad person because she made a bad decision. I've disagreed with a lot of her decisions, past and present, and she does a lot of things I consider immoral, but she's still my friend. As long as people are nice to me and make me feel worthwhile, they're OK. It's none of my business what they choose to do with their lives, whether I agree with it or not. Sure, I occasionally harass K about stuff - I'm always telling her to quit smoking (I tell everyone to, because smoking is disgusting and my Nana is DYING from lung cancer) and I get on her case when she jumps into relationships too quickly, but can't just sit back and be passive while people hurt themselves. What kind of friend would I be if I kept my mouth shut the whole time? The point is, you shouldn't judge people by their reputation or how they make money. K was one of the only friends I had in 7th grade.

Well, I'm going to Schultz for dinner, then I'm off to fencing and Tuesday group. I really hope I can go home on Friday, even though my mom isn't sure she can give me a ride. I just need a break. I need REAL food, a good shower, and a warm kitty in my lap. I also want to see the neighborhood kids and possibly a friend or two.

On a good note, I found out that the C-store carries Jones soda!

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