I realize that many of you are senior citizens in the appliance world, and some of you may even be older than me. I appreciate your years of service to those that owned the house before me. I know you don't seem to like me very much, as I have determined by your passive-aggressive behavior of not cleaning things very well, or randomly dying at the worst possible moments. Now, just because you heard me mention I wanted a new fridge last year, that didn't mean die a week or so before I was going to actually buy it so that I'd have to throw out a crapload of spoiled food. Your dearly departed friend the furnace thought it would be funny to sputter out in the middle of winter, and his wife the air conditioner promptly followed in the summer. Not cool, you guys.
I know I was rough on you, dryer. I hated that you took forever to dry things, and I hated that you sounded like a jackhammer, and I hated that you often forgot to turn yourself off, so I'd put in a load before going to bed and find you still chugging away when I woke up in the morning. Hello, fire hazard! But really, is it necessary to take over 4 hours to dry a load of pants and towels? Was it necessary to stop actually drying them when I had a huge mountain of laundry to do and no clean towels and clothes to wear to work? I swear, if your sister the washing machine decides to explode right now, after I've just put in a load, I will go out to Dick's Sporting Goods and buy a baseball bat so I can pummel the screws out of you while screaming words that would make Howard Stern blush. So you know what? I'm not using you any more. I had to rig up a clothesline in my basement so I could finish drying the damp towels and pants that you couldn't dry after 4 hours, and I finally put together that drying rack that had been hanging out in the hall closet for a year. I hope you're happy. I'm getting rid of you and getting one of those nice new energy-efficient dryers. And, heck, a water-saving washing machine too, one of those front-loaders so I don't have to stand on tippy-toe while bruising my armpits, because top-loaders are not very midget-friendly.
I see you leaking over there, water heater. Well, I'm getting a tankless model, so NYAH!
This is your warning, dishwasher and stove. Dishwasher, you better shape up and do your job. Stove, keep up the decent work. Or you'll be next.
And stop all dying within a few months of each other, sheesh. As much as I love your new, better, energy-efficient comrades, I would like to not be broke for a while.
(I really will carry out that baseball bat threat if the washing machine dies right now, even if the neighbors end up calling the cops. It will be worth it.)