Ade (agentfroot) wrote,
Ade
agentfroot

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you know what? i confuse myself sometimes. like i think i can sense how people feel about me in general terms. i can basically judge if people like or dislike me and if they think i'm crazy or not. so sometimes i think certain people dislike me and think i'm crazy, and i try to be nice to them so they'll at least like me and then i act like an idiot. but sometimes i'll think someone doesn't like me and thinks i'm crazy, and then the person is suddenly nice and friendly. it's weird. especially since a few weeks ago i was almost certain that this guy didn't really like me and thought i was crazy. i didn't know him very well, and i barely said anything to him and vice versa. then i found out that he's at least neutral to me or considers me an acquaintance. i still think he thinks i'm crazy, but at least i know he doesn't hate me. but i still feel awkward around him. i guess it's because he's a male who i don't know very well. and i think that 99% of males hate me and think i'm crazy, so i'm just biased. but he's a friend of several friends, and i don't dislike him, and he's certainly not crazy. i think he's OK. but i still act weird around him. i'll try to occasionally talk to him, but it's still weird. i don't know why. i guess he makes me uncomfortable because i have this warped idea of what he thinks of me. i KNOW he doesn't hate me, and he's nice to me, so what am i concerned about? who cares if he thinks i'm crazy. i think just about everyone thinks i'm crazy, and i don't let that stop me. even i think i'm crazy. so what is with my weirdness around the guy? and no, i don't like him THAT WAY. i'm not at all attracted to him, and even if i was, we wouldn't survive as a couple. so it's not like that. i don't feel threatened by him, and i do respect him since he's nice and everything, but i still feel distanced. so what's with the barrier? maybe it's just that he's male and adultish and i feel so immature and stupid in his presence. i just feel like he thinks i'm insane, yet he puts up with me when other people who i KNOW think i'm insane just ignore me, make fun of me, or roll their eyes at me.

so i'm asking ALL of you who know me personally, do you think i'm crazy? am i so immature and silly that my presence annoys you? or am i more than just a woman desperately hanging onto her childhood? and what do other people think of me? i want honest answers here. i'm just trying to see what kind of image other people have of me. sure, i'm a nice person and everything, but i want to know if my behavior irritates anyone or if i'm just paranoid. post anonymously if you want, i just need to know this.

so why am i concerned with what people think of me if i'm supposedly a carefree, be-who-you-are-despite-what-others-think, proud-to-be-weird girl? well, i want to know if people respect me for the individual i am or if they just think i'm a nutcase. you see, all my life people have called me insane and told me my ideas were wrong, stupid, immature, etc. keep in mind that most of those people were closed-minded. but for those who are my friends, i want to know why they're my friends and how they see me. i can't see myself from the outside. i need others to give me a clearer picture. sure, different people have different views, and some people adore me while others don't want to have anything to do with me. so why do you like me? why do some people think i'm crazy? what do people say about me when i'm not around? how do other people see ade? i know how ade sees ade, but i don't know how ade's friends see ade or how friends of ade's friends see ade. what does my personality do for you? i know my inside, i just want to know my outside.

wow, it's getting later and i still haven't done anything. and by the way, even if i am crazy, i'm safe in my craziness and "mostly harmless." i can be incredibly immature or incredibly mature, depending on who i'm with and how i feel. right now i feel tired and curious, and i don't know how this whole questioning thing came up, but i was just thinking about this guy i'm kinda sorta friends with. anyway, i better shut my computer down or i'll be a total bitch tomorrow, and then i'll end up being mean to someone and feel guilty about it for a week.
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